


Torn

by ununoriginal



Category: L'Arc~en~Ciel
Genre: M/M, One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 1999-12-27
Updated: 1999-12-27
Packaged: 2017-12-14 09:39:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,084
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/835461
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ununoriginal/pseuds/ununoriginal
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Everything is an imagination... yes, it's also a realisation...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Torn

He turned the key in the lock and opened the door quietly, flicking an unsurprised glance at the utter clutter of the living room.  It was not completely dark yet, and making use of the dim illumination that seeped through the partly drawn curtains, he silently picked his way through the mess towards the bedroom door at the other end.

He raised his hand to knock, then hesitated.  Closing his eyes momentarily, he drew in a deep breath and decided.  
   
From the other side of the door, the figure slouched against the bed, like a broken doll flung aside, blankly saw the knob turn and the door move.  The disinterested gaze travelled up the silhouette framed in the doorway slowly, and just as slowly and indifferently, slid away.  
   
Hyde wordlessly gave the room a once-over before stepping forward.  The faint rays of the darkening day crept into the untidy room, usually so neat it pained him now to see the mess, and touched the figure huddled on the floor.  
   
For an instant, the fury raged through him again, the insane urge to seek out the target of his mad anger and pulverise him leaving him breathless.  
   
 _Let it be… for now._   Another deep breath.  The frustrated roar struggling to escape was expelled as a soft, drawn-out sigh.  
   
“Tetsu?”  He sank down beside his friend, one hand automatically reaching out to sweep the hair back so he could see the other man’s face.  
   
The “are you okay?” froze somewhere at the back of his throat as his hand revealed the milk-pale skin and circles dark as bruises under eyes that belonged better on a zombie.  Then as he stared further, the veil of leaden dullness cracked and he could see the unspeakable pain hovering within, trying to burst out, it seemed to him, yet unable to.  
   
Before he knew it, his arms had instinctively gone around Tetsu and he was holding him and rocking him a little.  “I hate him.  I wish I could kill him for doing this to you?!”  
   
The words came out of their own accord, and too late, he remembered that he shouldn’t have said them.  
   
He could feel the slight stiffening in Tetsu with his vindictive declaration.  “Damnit!” he whispered as he let go of Tetsu and sat back.  “I’m sorry, but…”  
   
He trailed off at Tetsu’s tiny shake of his head.  “No…”  His voice croaked, hoarse.  “It was my fault—”  He raised a hand to cut off Hyde’s reflexive protest.  “He was at fault… but I was wrong too.  Wrong and stupid.”  He let his hand fall back limply by his side, not looking at Hyde.  
   
The vocalist racked his brain for something to say.  He wanted to deny what Tetsu had said, but all the suspicions and doubts he had ever had over the years rose in him and the words just wouldn’t come.  Instead he asked dumbly, “Will you be alright?”  
   
 _Great going, Haido.  There have been more idiotic moments in your life, but now I can’t think of any.  
_    
But Tetsu seemed to rally.  The presence of his best friend apparently managed to rouse him from the dregs of depression.  
   
“I’ll – yes… I’ll be alright.  Just—”  He looked up at Hyde again, and the vulnerability twisted at Hyde’s gut.  “Could you just hold me?”  
   
The meek request was barely out of his mouth before he found his head upon his friend’s shoulder and arms, small but strong, securely around him.  The temptation was so strong, for him to close his eyes and imagine that the body against his was larger and more solid, the arms longer and more muscled, but from somewhere within the depths of himself, he dredged up the will to shove it back.   
   
“Thank you.  I’ll be better tomorrow, I promise.”  
   
The arms holding him tightened, and he kept his eyes open, staring at the shadows that deepened into darkness.  
   
***  
   
[I thought I saw a man brought to life/He was warm he came around and he was dignified/He showed me what it was to cry]  
   
 _“Ohayo!!”  Hyde entered the studio and dumped his bag in the corner with the other bag, fishing out a tie from the side pocket to restrain his currently frizzy hair while he was recording.  It was all good and fine to swing and flip it all about in the heat of the moment onstage, but at other times he preferred it out of the way.  
   
He was distracted from mentally running through the lyrics of the tracks they were going to record today by a chuckle, followed by another.  “What’s so funny, Tetsu?  You have to share with me whatever could possibly be so amusing this early in the morning.”  
   
Tetsu gazed up at his petite band member, still smiling.  “Do you know we’re famous enough to have doujinshi already?”  He held up the thin book and gave it a small wave.  
   
“Hmm…”  Hyde made a non-committal sound.  He still hadn’t made up his mind about _ that _side-effect of fame and popularity yet.  Shrugging, he approached Tetsu to take a closer look.  “Who’s it about?” he asked curiously.  
   
“It’s the standard fare,” Tetsu winked slyly, “just Sakura x Hyde…”  
   
"Oh, stop it!”  Hyde hated the fact that he could feel himself flushing.  
   
“Hey, the number of doujinshi spawned about you is actually directly proportional to how bikei you are, you know,” Tetsu said teasingly, enjoying Hyde’s discomfort.  
   
“Yeah, but they still don’t know anything,” Hyde muttered mock-sullenly.  “If they really knew me, or _ him _, they’d know we’d NEVER ever get together, even if I swung that way.”  Hyde grimaced as he looked at the cover.  
   
“But they don’t, and you always indulge them during lives – glancing behind half the time,” Tetsu pointed out, playing impromptu devil’s advocate.  
   
Hyde bit his tongue before he could blurt out that he turned around because he wanted to see… something else.  
   
“It’s probably better that the fans have this misconception,” Tetsu spoke quietly, almost like he was talking to himself.  “Then it won’t occur to them that…”  A tiny smile flitted across his face.  “He isn’t such a bad person, Hyde, and he has talent and a feel for our songs—“  
   
“Yeah, yeah…”  Hyde walked away, impatiently brushing away Tetsu’s defense of the drummer.  “I just have to try to communicate more, right?”  
   
“Since you already know what I was going to say, you could put some effort into my suggestions,” Tetsu paused, then went in for the kill, “it would mean a lot to me,” he said, wincing internally at the cliched words.  
   
But the phrase, regardless of its lameness, had the desired effect.  “Fine!  I’ll try,” Hyde sighed.  “But… Tetsu, are you sure of what you’re doing?” Hyde insisted in a half-exasperated tone, snatching Tetsu’s book so he could have the band leader’s full attention.  
   
“Of course, I’m sure Sakura’s a great addition to our band.  As I’ve said before, he’s talented and he has such a flair for our songs…”  He stopped, looking innocently up at the agitated vocalist.  
   
“Damnit, Tetsu, that’s not what I meant!”  He sat down beside the bassist on the couch, tucking a stray lock of hair behind his ear impatiently.  He stared hard into the other’s eyes.  “Stop pretending.  You know what I meant… do we really have to spell it out?”  
   
He saw the shutters reluctantly come down.  For all that Tetsu seemed open and friendly in general, those close to him realised that he kept himself at a further remove from the world, the affability actually cloaking a self that was intensely private.   
   
“I… I’ve thought about it for a long time, Haido,” he glanced up before continuing softly, “and I’m happy.  _ He _makes me happy, and I never really expected this to happen.  Please, just let us take it as it comes.”  But the light shining within his eyes indicated that whatever came had to be far from dire.  
   
Hyde conceded defeat, giving back Tetsu his book.  “Gomen ne, you know it’s only because I don’t want you to get hurt.  And Sakura… well, he gives me a weird feeling…”  
   
“Hmph!  You and your ‘feelings’…  Don’t worry about it, everything’s gonna be fine.”  He smiled before returning his attention to the doujinshi.  
   
_ ***  
   
He opened his eyes abruptly, blinking at the thin rays that pierced the darkness.  For a disoriented moment, he wondered where the hell he was.  Then the warm weight beside him shifted and he turned his head to see the beautiful face of his slumbering best friend, one arm still protectively around him.  It all came back to him in a rush.  
   
But strangely, the pain had dulled, blunted, no longer fully incapacitating.  He remembered his promise to his friend, and clinging stubbornly to it, he gently removed Hyde’s arm from where it was slung across his middle and sat up, swinging his feet off the bed.  Hyde must have managed to move them from the floor onto the bed last night after he fell asleep, because he had no recollection of how he had been transported.  
   
After splashing water onto his face, he stood at the bathroom door, surveying his living room.  God, how could he have tolerated this dump?...  Stabs of pain followed that train of thought so he pulled his mind back.  
   
 _Life has to go on.  It has to._ Briskly rolling his sleeves up, he started to pick up mags and papers and empty beer cans and bottles scattered here and there on the floor.  Then he went for the vacuum cleaner.  
   
***  
   
[Well you couldn’t be that man I adored/You don’t seem to know don’t seem to care what your heart is for/No I don’t know him anymore]  
   
 _“What’s this?”  He reached out across Tetsu’s prone, naked body to finger the book by his bedside table.  
   
“Hmm… nani?” Tetsu mumbled, still partially caught up in the bliss of the past two hours, his eyes shuttered.  
   
“This…”  A cool current of air across his face as Sakura brought the book closer.  “Oh…”  He flipped through it disinterestedly, then tossed it back to the table, narrowly missing the lamp also sharing space there.  
   
“That’s a better reaction than someone else I can think of,” Tetsu said wryly.  
   
“I can’t stop them imagining what they will, can I?” Sakura replied, as he bent to kiss the side of Tetsu’s neck, gently sweeping the long hair aside to nibble along his shoulder.  “Are you jealous?”  
   
“Nope, absolutely not.”  Tetsu had relaxed into the loving treatment and was disappointed when it stopped.  He opened his eyes to see that Sakura had sat up, gazing at him with a half-frustrated expression.  “What’s wrong?  Why did you stop?”  He let a pitiful shadow creep over his face.  
   
Relenting, Sakura surged forward to capture the soft, half-pouting lips.  “Sometimes I wonder whether you’re with me just for the sex,” he muttered as he settled his weight on top of his lover.  
   
Understanding the source of Sakura’s griping, he grinned, entwining his arms around the drummer’s neck.  “Gomen ne… I know Hyde too well for me to ever…” he gasped as Sakura slowly pushed into him, then pulled his tattered mind together to finish the sentence, “ever get jealous of him because of this— oh!…”  He let his head fall back and gave up trying to construct further conversation.  
   
“Yeah, well, if our fans could see us now, you’d be starring in considerably more doujinshi—”  Sakura broke off as he felt Tetsu’s sudden tension.  “What the…?”  Then he realised his mistake.  He met Tetsu’s large, solemn eyes staring back at him, carefully devoid of any decipherable emotion.  “Tetsu, I was only kidding.”  
   
No response.  
   
“Look, nobody’s gonna know about us, alright?”  _ Although I don’t see what’s wrong, _his mind insisted on adding a little resentfully.  But there was a strange air of vulnerability about Tetsu at moments like this, so unlike the normal confident leader of Laruku, that he could feel the mild anger dissolving… almost.  
   
After a few minutes Tetsu nodded, and a small smile broke across his delicate features.  “Promise me?” he asked softly.  
   
He gratefully gave himself up to Sakura’s sensual caresses again after Sakura’s agreement, telling himself he imagined the hardening in his lover’s eyes._  
   
***  
   
Hyde half-stumbled out of the bedroom, rubbing his eyes as he supported himself against the frame of the bedroom door.  He stared in half-disbelief at the vacuum-cleaner-wielding Tetsu.  “So that’s the god-awful noise that completely disrupted a peaceful morning,” he grumbled sleepily, momentarily forgetting their troubles as his instinctual need for more sleep overrode his brain.  
   
Tetsu glanced up as he diligently poked under the furniture and up into the corners of the ceiling, intent on giving the room a major overhaul.  “Gomen, Hyde,” he said apologetically.  “But I couldn’t stand the mess.  I just had to do something.  It takes my mind off…”  He bit his lip and looked away, resuming his vacuuming.  
   
Hyde could have bashed himself on the head for his thoughtless remark.  Deciding to retreat before any more idiotic things came out of his mouth, he headed for the bathroom.  
   
When he was halfway through, he heard a crash of something fragile shattering, followed by a loud, desperate curse as the noisy roar of the vacuum cleaner was cut off abruptly.  
   
“Shit, Tetsu, what’s wrong?!”  He rushed out to find his friend crouching next to the small shelf, gazing at the broken porcelain strewn over the floor.  
   
“Hmm… what?  Oh, Hyde, nothing’s wrong.  I wasn’t paying attention and accidentally swept it off.”  As if broken from a reverie, he immediately started picking up the broken pieces, but Hyde already glimpsed the tears streaking his face.  
   
He stood by helplessly for a few moments, unsure of what to do, until he saw the blood trickling from Tetsu’s left palm.  
   
“Tetsu!”  He grabbed his friend’s arm, hauling him up.  “Let go!!”  He forced open Tetsu’s hand, letting the pieces of fragile clay fall back to the floor.  
   
Hyde led the bassist away from the mess and gently pushed him down on the couch.  “Just sit there and don’t move,” he ordered as he entered the bathroom, looking for the first aid kit.  Wordlessly, he cleaned the cut on Tetsu’s palm before bandaging it.  
   
“It was my birthday present…”  
   
“Huh?”  Hyde looked up, startled, for he’d not expected Tetsu to speak.  
   
“The vase, he gave it to me for my birthday,” Tetsu continued slowly, painfully.  “It was so beautiful, with the sakura painted all over it, in just that shade of blue…”  
   
Hyde hugged his friend again as the tears fell, mourning for all the broken sakura in the world.  
   
***  
   
[There’s nothing where he used to lie/My conversation has run dry/That’s what’s going on]  
   
 _“Oh… it’s beautiful!” he gasped as he opened the box to reveal the small vase lying in the middle of the tissue paper.  He lifted it up to examine it more closely.  The white porcelain seemed to possess an internal glow, pearly and phosphorescent, while the blue sakura blooms clustered around the base and rose, spreading out over the body of the vase to finally leave a single branch curling around the neck.  
   
“Thank you!”  He leaned up to kiss his lover, quieting his concern when Sakura failed to respond.  
   
“I’m glad you like it…”  Sakura leaned his head back against the armchair, closing his eyes.  The black clothing that was practically de rigueur for him just seemed to emphasise his pallor of late.  
   
“Sakura?  Are you alright?”  Tetsu worriedly placed a hand on his forehead.  
   
Sakura brushed his hand off impatiently.  “Yeah, I’m fine… just tired because I was out all day trying to get your present.”  
   
There was a moment’s pause.  
   
“Is that why you didn’t come for practice today?” Tetsu asked finally, not voicing the rest of the question.  _ …and missed my birthday celebration as well? _  
  
“What are you, my mother?  Loosen up, Tetsu – it was only one practice!”  Sakura abruptly stood, stalking to the bathroom and slamming the door.  
   
Tetsu stared at the closed door for a few moments, then got up himself, going to the bedroom to wait for Sakura.  
             
But Sakura never came.  Too late, he heard the slam of the apartment door, and by the time he ran out, Sakura had gone.  
   
_ ***  
   
“Are you going to do it?”  
   
Tetsu reluctantly looked up from his food to meet Hyde’s eyes boring intently into his.  Surprisingly, after all that had happened, he could still feel hungry.  He decided to take it as a good sign – it would never be the same again but at least he was moving on.  
   
“Tetsu?”  
   
“Yes, I heard you!” he answered snappishly.  “I’m sorry, Hyde,” he sighed as he saw Hyde’s hurt expression at his tone.  
   
He put down his chopsticks, his appetite suddenly leaving him.  Leaning forward, he rubbed his temples with his fingertips, as if it would massage the strain away.  “We don’t have much of a choice ne – it’s either kick him out of Laruku or lose the support of our label…  Hah!”  He could barely believe the bitterness flowing from him.  “There is no choice!!”  
   
He felt Hyde reach across the table to squeeze his other hand in silent support.  
   
“It wasn’t right, what he did…”  Once he started, it seemed like he couldn’t stop.  “He was endangering the whole band.  But I had a hand in it as well – it’s my fault as much as his.  I should have made him stop.  I shouldn’t have run away… I shouldn’t have left him.”  
   
***  
   
[Nothing’s fine I’m torn/I’m all out of faith/This is how I feel/I’m cold and I’m ashamed/Lying naked on the floor/Illusion never changed into something real/I’m wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn/You’re a little late/I’m already torn]  
   
 _“Sakura?”  He knocked a little harder on the door.  “Sakura?  Are you in there?  It’s me, Tetsu!  Open up!!”  
   
After a few more minutes, he gave up.  _ Where is he? _he wondered anxiously as he rummaged in his bag for Sakura’s apartment key.  
   
He tentatively stepped through the doorway as the door swung open, waiting for his eyes to adjust to the dark interior before advancing further.  He cautiously moved towards the couch, nonetheless stumbling over an object in his path.  Thankfully, the couch was in the way, cushioning his fall.  
   
Reaching out, he drew back the blinds, letting light flood the apartment.  “What a mess!!”  It looked like Sakura hadn’t done clean-up in months.  Papers, mags, sheets of music were mixed with clothes, shoes, cigarette butts and the ever-present beer cans, spread impartially over every available surface.  “How can he live like this?”  
   
He headed to what he presumed to be the bedroom, wishing he’d come over to Sakura’s apartment more often, then he would have detected the problems earlier.  But no, he’d been too afraid that they might arouse suspicion, and now…  
   
Away from the windows, the interior of the bedroom was equally dark as the living room had been.  Tetsu groped for a light switch and flicked it on.  
   
His eyes scanned the bedroom in vague horror – it was twice as bad as the living room.  Clothes, beer cans, cigs, mags, papers, clothes, cigs, beers, needles, cigs, beers…  What?!  
   
He stepped closer to the dresser, shifting aside the clothes and beer cans.  There, underneath the pile of mags that seemed to have been haphazardly dumped on top of it as an afterthought, was the gleaming silver of the hypodermic needle.  
   
   
Sakura fumbled for the key, trying to put it into the keyhole, but dropping it instead.  “Fuck!”  Irritated, he jiggled the knob and to his surprise, the door swung open.  Shrugging, he picked up the key and entered.  
   
Staggering to the couch, he flopped across it, heedless of the papers and mags he crushed, though he did fish out a shoe digging into his back.  
   
“How long have you been on drugs?”  The question seemed to pounce out of nowhere.  
   
Sakura jerked up and instantly regretted it as the blood rushed to his head, making it pound mercilessly.  “Shit, Tetsu, you scared me!”  Gingerly, he laid back down.  
   
“Answer me, Sakura!”  Tetsu’s voice was sharp and his face seemed to suddenly hover above him.  
   
“What?”  Then his gaze travelled down Tetsu’s body to his hand, which was clutching his injection kit convulsively.  “Oh…”  
   
“What do you mean – oh?”  Frustrated, Tetsu sank down beside him, grasping him by the shoulders, forcing Sakura to look at him.  “What’s wrong, Sakura?  Why are you doing drugs?  What’s so bad you can’t discuss it with me?!”  
   
“Nothing’s wrong…”  Sakura refused to meet Tetsu’s eyes.  “I was just experimenting around, that’s all…”  
   
“No.”  Tetsu gazed into Sakura’s pale, exhausted face, his lover’s appearance adding certainty to his words.  “That’s not just it.  It’s something else.  Please, Sakura,” he raised his hands to cup Sakura’s cheeks, keeping their eyes firmly fixed on each other, “tell me?”  
   
Sakura just stared numbly back at him, silent.  
   
Tetsu filled the void with his own thoughts, the worries of the past months finally tumbling out of him.  “Can’t we work it out together?  It’s been going on for months… you look like hell.   I tried to tell myself I was paranoid, that it was just because we were all too busy, there were too many activities.  But all the while… why, Sakura?”  
   
Tetsu’s pain seemed to cut through the haze clouding Sakura’s mind.  _ I should tell him… but he can’t change anything.  It’s already too late. _  
  
“I want you to make a choice,” his voice was steady despite the tremors within him, “me… or the world.”  
   
Tetsu frowned.  “What do you mean?”  Then it came to him.  He slowly shook his head, hands falling away from Sakura.  
   
“You wanted me to tell you what’s wrong – so I’m telling you now…  _ You _are what’s wrong!”  Sakura shoved Tetsu away, sitting up.  “I’m sick of all this secrecy – I’m tired of having to pretend you’re just a band member.”  This time it was Sakura who grabbed Tetsu.  “Do you know how much it hurts each time I approach you in public, just to see the walls coming down in your eyes, your expression, your actions?  And to know deep down that it will never ever change?!  It’s like driving an endless stake into my heart, and twisting it all the while.  I kept thinking why I was so stupid – all of it was so obviously killing me…  Then I got acquainted with this…”  The small bag of white powder seemed to suddenly materialise in his hand.  “Did you ever love me, Tetsu?”  
   
Large eyes full of distress snapped up to meet his.  “You know I do!”  
   
“No, I don’t.  If you did, why did you do this?!  You suffocated us, Tetsu.  You killed what we had.”  Wearily, he leaned back.  “Make a choice,” he repeated in a whisper.  
   
Although he already knew the answer, he knew the moment he’d started speaking.  Tetsu looked so small and pitiful, huddled there away from the couch, and the voice screaming inside his head, telling him to touch the man he loved was never so loud.  
   
He closed his eyes and ears and mind.  It was already too late.  
   
_ ***  
   
“Moshi moshi?”  The phone was picked up after a few rings.  
“Hi, Yuki, it’s me, Tetsu.”  
“Tetsu!…  How are things?  I… saw it on the news.”  
“How else can it be?  The management is screaming at us – they want to kill him, and we’ve been issued an ultimatum: either he goes, or we all go.”  
“Damn!  What are you going to do?”  But Yukihiro already knew.  Tetsu was the leader of L'arc~en~Ciel, first and foremost.  
“We have no choice – he has to leave…  That’s why I’m calling you, Yuki.  Could you do us a favour?”  
“Anything.”  
“Could you help us out as…”  
“Of course.  But Tetsu, are you okay?  Is anyone there with you?”  
“Yes, Hyde’s with me.  Don’t worry, Yuki, I’m not going to kill myself.”  
“Well…”  Yuki chuckled sheepishly at Tetsu’s last wry comment.  
“Thanks, Yuki.”  
“It’s nothing, man.  Take care of yourself, alright?  Ja!”  
“Ja.”  
   
Tetsu put down the phone, smiling wanly at Hyde.  “Well, that’s one thing resolved.  Yukihiro’s agreed to help out.”  
   
“Do you want me to go with you tomorrow?”  
   
“No, I’ll do it myself.”  
   
***  
   
[So I guess the fortune teller’s right/I should have seen just what was there and not some holy light]  
   
 _“Oh, my god!!  What did you do to your hair?!” Ken exclaimed as Tetsu entered the studio.  
   
“I got tired of having to maintain it,” Tetsu ran a hand through his newly shorn locks self-consciously.  “Do you think it’s alright?!”  
   
“Sure, but you never even gave a hint…  Ne, Tet-chan, when are you ever going to stop copying me?” Hyde said as he swept his own short hair back, but the tinge of suspicion as he watched Tetsu belied his playful tone.  
   
“Well…”  Tetsu’s glance flickered to the back of the studio, where Sakura sat, smoking and blatantly ignoring the whole mini-uproar.  “I felt it would be nice to have a change of image on the new album,” he replied, giving a half-forced grin.  
   
Hyde followed his line of sight, then turned back to him, about to say something.  
   
“Hey, let’s get started!” Tetsu quickly cut in before Hyde could speak.  
   
Hyde gave Tetsu a “I’m-not-finished-yet” look before going to the microphone.  
   
   
“We broke up.”  
   
The three words came out of the blue, startling Hyde with their unexpectedness.  He’d thought he would have to twist Tetsu’s arm to get anything out of him.  
   
“You were right, Hyde, I didn’t know what I was doing at all.  But I was happy, while it lasted… and I really thought I was doing the best I could…” he insisted the last part forcefully, as if trying to convince himself, despite the unshed tears shining in his eyes.  
   
Hyde could do nothing, but hold his friend as Tetsu’s sobs broke the silence of the quiet studio.  
_    
   
[But you crawled beneath my veins and now/I don’t care/I had no luck/I don’t miss it all that much/There’s just so many things I can’t touch/I’m torn!]  
   
 _Sakura lay back, staring up at the ceiling, which, weirdly, seemed to be floating, coming closer to him, then drifting away.  
   
He lifted his arm, gazing unblinkingly at the back of his hand as it slowly mutated.  It never ceased to fascinate him no matter how many times he had watched the phenomenon.  
   
The lyrics from “Good-morning Hide” revolved around him, Hyde’s voice caressing the phrases…  “Yes, everything is an imagination… yes, it’s also a realisation…”  
   
'_ Why did not you show it? _'  The voices taunted him.  Yes, Sakura, why didn’t you reveal your true feelings sooner, then maybe something could have been salvaged.  
   
'_ Why did not you notice it? _'  He could hear Tetsu’s bass weaving around the notes.  But why didn’t Tetsu sense the wrongness, the decay in their relationship?  But he did…  
   
'_ Why did not you show it? _'  Yet he never said anything…  
   
'_ I don’t do the thing like that, _'_ I couldn’t, not anymore – it’s not the right way to live.  I should have talked to him sooner ne…  Now it’s too late…  Tetsu…  _The world began spiralling into a whirl of black.  
   
'_ Wish I’ve done it instead…'  
   
   
 _"Moshi moshi?”  
“Hyde?”  
“Yeah, Ken, what’s up?” Hyde asked curiously.  Practice had been cancelled today, so it was strange that Ken would still call him when he could be out entertaining himself with more delectable individuals.  
“Sakura’s in hospital – drug overdose, and it seems the cops are there too.”  
“What?!  Does Tetsu know?”  
“Probably.  Apparently, the hospital called him too.”  
“I’ll go look for him now.”  
“Alright, I’ll stop by the hospital to see how Sakura is.”  
_    
***  
   
[I’m all out of faith/This is how I feel/I’m cold and I’m ashamed/Bound and broken on the floor/You’re a little late/I’m already torn]  
   
Tetsu quietly pushed open the door to the ward, stepping into the cool, dim room.  He drew up a chair and sat down silently, his eyes never leaving the figure sleeping on the hospital bed.  
   
Sakura looked like a wreck.  Somehow, it seemed like his skin was paler than the white hospital garb he was wearing, and his lank black hair just made the contrast all the more glaring.  One hand was out of the covers, connected to an IV drip.  
   
“Oh, Sakura, I’m so sorry,” Tetsu whispered.  
   
As if he’d heard him, Sakura stirred.  His eyes fluttered open to rest upon Tetsu.  
   
“Sakura!  You’re awake!”  Tetsu forced a smile.  “I’ll go get the doctor.”  One arm reached out to grip his wrist.  “No?  Then… let me get you some water.”  He shrugged off Sakura’s hand to set about his self-appointed task, trying to delay the inevitable moment.  
   
Finally, steeling himself, he turned to face Sakura.  Tears almost threatened to fall again as he saw resignation in the drummer’s eyes.  
   
“I thought I was going to die.”  His voice was hoarse and cracked.  
   
Wordlessly biting his lip, Tetsu shook his head adamantly.  He leaned in closer, resting his head upon the pillow next to Sakura’s face.  
   
“I guess this is it, huh?”  Sakura’s hand reached out to caress the silky strands of Tetsu’s hair, running his fingers through them.  “I loved to play with your hair.  It was so beautiful.  And now it’s all gone…”  His hand fell away.  
   
“Sakura…”  Tetsu’s couldn’t continue.  He blinked hard to clear his blurred vision, not wanting to cry anymore.  
   
“I know what you’re going to tell me – the cops have already been by.”  He smiled slightly.  “I know where I’m headed.  Tetsu, just remember…”  
   
Tetsu’s lips touched his in one last fleeting kiss.  “Never!” he whispered fiercely.  “I’ll never forget you!  Don’t let me forget you – let me know that you’ll be alright.  No matter where you go, I’ll be watching you.  Zutto…”  
   
The smile was easier this time.  “So this is goodbye?”  He held out his arms.  
   
Tetsu closed his eyes, savouring their final embrace.  “Sayonara, Sakura.”  
   
He made himself pull away, and walked out without looking back.  
   
   
 _1997.02.XX    Sakura gets arrested.  All Lar'c~en~Ciel activities stop until further notice.  
   
1997.04.XX    New Lar'c~en~Ciel with Hyde, Tetsu and Ken.  
   
1997.11.06     Sakura officially leaves L'arc~en~Ciel.  
   
   
1999.04.13     Zigzo Akasaka Blitz debut live [Starting!]_


End file.
